How to eat a waffle.
Look. I’m trying pretty hard these days to move myself out of the “you’re doing it wrong” territory. People are gonna like what they like and who the fuck am I to tell them they’re wrong. You wanna order a well done steak and put ketchup on it? Do your thing, hoss. I think that’s gross and a waste of a perfectly good piece of meat, but you just do you and maybe your palette will evolve past that of a sixth grader someday (I said I wasn’t going to tell you you were doing it wrong, not that I wouldn’t be hella judgmental about it).
So anyway. I’m not saying that of all the different ways to eat a waffle this is the ONLY way. Just that it’s my personal favorite way. Ok? Ok.
- Decide you want a waffle. This should pretty much be your default position unless you’re currently eating a waffle. Ideally you’ll also tweet about your waffle-based desires, but that’s up to you.
- Walk into Golden Coffee Shop. Oh… You’ve chosen to go somewhere BESIDES Golden Coffee Shop. Ok, well… I guess just try to adapt the following steps to whatever place you’ve chosen. But seriously? NOT Golden? I mean do you WANT to overpay for… y’know what, no. Never mind. I’m just going to move on and hope you can still get something out of this.
- Look here’s the thing. Golden Coffee Shop is this tiny little hole in the wall at Leavenworth and Sutter. It’s small, the coffee is pretty terrible, the service is average at best, and the food is knock your pants off good or anything, but it’s just one of those perfect little greasy spoons that exists in a little time bubble. You can get breakfast and coffee for like 8 bucks. Try finding that anywhere else in the city.
- Sit down at the counter. I like one of the corner seats. Gives me a little elbow room without having to do that dick move where there are three empty seats and you take the one in the middle. It’s kind of an un-winnable situation because if you sit right next to someone they’re gonna feel weird, but if you take the center of three seats you’re not leaving much else if two people come in and want to sit down and then you have to scoot over one seat… It becomes a whole thing. Ugh.
- The somewhat abrasive Chinese woman will ask you if want coffee. You do. I mean, c’mon it’s breakfast so of course you’re having coffee. The coffee isn’t very good so even though you usually drink it black add a little cream and sugar. Probably too much since you’re not used to putting cream and sugar in your coffee.
- Order the waffle combo. That’s a waffle with either four sausages or four bacons. I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what it says on the menu. Bacons. You follow your heart on this one, but I’m a bacon guy.
- Pass the time reading a comic book. You didn’t bring a comic book? Did you not know you were going out to breakfast? I’m kind of confused.
- Notice the woman sitting across the counter from you. She orders corned beef hash, eggs over medium, and white toast. That’s the exact same thing you usually order when you’re not getting a waffle. She’s really cute. You don’t say hi.
- Your waffle arrives. Obviously you’ll want to celebrate this fact, but if you’re off your stool in a full Ickey Shuffle you might be overdoing it. Keep it classy and act life you’ve been there before, ok?
- Your waffle is round and has four quadrants. Distribute butter to each quadrant immediately so the waffle’s warmth can melt the butter properly. Physics, right?
- Add syrup to one quadrant of the waffle. Eat that quadrant and ONLY that quadrant of the waffle. If you syrup the whole thing right from the jump your waffle will get all soggy. Not good.
- Hey look at that, you just made a waffle Pac Man. Marvel at that for a moment and then continue to step 13.
- Repeat step 11 until you don’t have any more waffle. Mix some bacon eating in there too. Throw a piece of bacon ONTO your waffle if that’s your thing.
- Finish your coffee. Seriously it’s pretty bad coffee, but just finish it.
- Pay. Tip. Leave.
- Start craving your next waffle.